food nazi

"can we get this?"

"no."

"WHY??"

"i'm not buying you junk food."

"it's NOT junk food!!"

"it's totally full of sugar. i'm not buying it for you."

"so?? WHY??"

"sugar makes your teeth rot and your brain shrink."

"No it DOESN'T!"

"yes it does."

"it does NOT!!"

"does too."

"NO it DOESN'T!"

"dude, do you want me to go online and find you all the studies that show the negative effects of sugar?"

"so?? i don't CARE!!"

"i can appreciate that you want this. i would have, too, when i was your age. and i can appreciate your frustration, and you're free to hate me right now, but i'm not buying it for you."

"but WHY??"

"uh... didn't we already talk about this?"

"i just DON'T understand WHY??"

"really? you don't understand? or, you don't agree -- because that's something different. if you're waiting until i say something you agree with, you might be waiting for a long time, because it really seems like you want this junk food and there probably isn't a whole lot i can say to change that, but you should, by now, understand why i won't buy it for you."

(exasperated sound from kid.)

me continuing: "look, i care about your health and well-being. i want you to grow up strong and healthy, not weak and gimpy with one tooth and a tiny, little, sugar-dried brain rattling around the base of your skull like an old pea."

"sugar WON'T make my BRAIN shrink!!"

"yes it will."

"NO it WON'T!!"

"yup. like a tiiiiiiinnnny little pea."

"ANNA?!? WHY can't you be SERIOUS?! i eat WAY less sugar than a LOT of other kids and they're FINE!!"

"well, they look fine now, but the shrinkage has probably already started. you mark my words: by the time they're twenty -- you'll hear that little pea quietly rolling whenever they shake their heads. then you'll thank me."

"WHAT?? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?? WHY can't you buy it JUST THIS ONCE?"

"really? just once? then you'll never ask me for anything like this again?"

"YES!!"

"nothing sugary until you move out when you're 18? ever? (look of panicked back-pedalling beginning to grow on kid's face) that seems like a pretty good deal -- ok, i'll get it for you now if you never, ever, ask me for a sugary treat again."

"well of COURSE i'll ask AGAIN!"

"ok, then what are we talking about here?"

"i just... (exasperated sound) WHY won't you GET IT??"

"i told you why. i have no problem buying you the odd sweet -- you know, like a donut, or whatever -- but i'm not going to stock the house with sugary treats so you can just have one any time you want. and we have practically no money, so, as a secondary point, i'm not going to spend what little we have on something with absolutely no food value. sorry. end of discussion."

but it wasn't the end of the discussion. it carried on for the entire walk home, with startling repetitiveness. at the end, he wound up crying. am i a food nazi? i feel like a food nazi. but, i mean, really, sugar is White Death. it's just not something to be consumed regularly. and we're so addicted to it. and it was almost unheard of until we europeans started "exploring" the americas and cash cropping. then there was so much of it that it was pushed on the motherland and we (especially the british) started eating pounds of it. to our peril.

i also don't see it as my proper place to endorse a sugary lifestyle to this child. it's his job to sneak sugary things behind my back, then grow to understand that it's a useless non-food as he gets older. it's my job to try to reign him in and steam him broccoli.

isn't it?

or am i just trying to replay my own youth and assuming that everyone else should live the way i did.

(but shouldn't they?)

(are there any job openings for fascists in my area? does
anyone know?)